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so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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