In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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