I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart