Don't make out with my wife yet
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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