Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
two words...techno handjob
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job