We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
love makes seman taste better
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."