I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
