My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
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its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again