In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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