When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
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i can juggle bunnies
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
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theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.