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Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
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