its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.