"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
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its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
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so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS