i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
