THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.