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I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
it's great music for shaving your balls
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
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