do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.