My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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