He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you didnt know i had herpes?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?