OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
