Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pants 0. Shit 1.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there