I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
it wasn't lemon gatorade
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."