Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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