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at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
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