never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
