The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
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Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine