Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
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Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?