Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
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In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You can't special order awesome
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse