New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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