Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Farmville is her only friend.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.