there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
