Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We are two peas in an std pod
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops