Texts From Last Night

philthyjoe's Favorites Texts:

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  (425): View more from Washington

  She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around

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  (425): She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around http://tfl.nu/v7uu
  Replies (4) Good night (566) Bad night (112) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here

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  (971): she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here http://tfl.nu/l846
  Replies (5) Good night (574) Bad night (92)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.

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  (912): I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there. http://tfl.nu/8rbi
  Replies (11) Good night (1109) Bad night (108)
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  (343): View more from Ontario

  Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?

  (1-343): View more from Ontario

  Lol, last year was UNREAL

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  (343): Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy? (1-343): Lol, last year was UNREAL http://tfl.nu/u4kx
  Replies (10) Good night (937) Bad night (102) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.

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  (573): I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs. http://tfl.nu/ty2k
  Replies (8) Good night (452) Bad night (116) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!

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  (410): Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way! http://tfl.nu/jf3p
  Replies (1) Good night (323) Bad night (111) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.

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  (307): He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style. http://tfl.nu/qafz
  Replies (6) Good night (969) Bad night (187) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms

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  (917): Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms http://tfl.nu/vk6t
  Replies (5) Good night (777) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...

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  (303): So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him... http://tfl.nu/hlup
  Replies (9) Good night (1108) Bad night (355)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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  (832): I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung." http://tfl.nu/1h35
  Replies (14) Good night (1610) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises

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  (252): I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises http://tfl.nu/kph5
  Replies (0) Good night (372) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party

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  (310): I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party http://tfl.nu/6q7p
  Replies (2) Good night (1028) Bad night (589)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers

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  (+61): Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers http://tfl.nu/a2tk
  Replies (7) Good night (977) Bad night (292)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know

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  (253): Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know http://tfl.nu/qmd3
  Replies (7) Good night (673) Bad night (317)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

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  (512): I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home. http://tfl.nu/rsl1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.

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  (970): She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic. http://tfl.nu/fis2
  Replies (3) Good night (1006) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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  (718): Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really. http://tfl.nu/n2d1
  Replies (13) Good night (2518) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.

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  (904): Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos. http://tfl.nu/hz9c
  Replies (7) Good night (1602) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..

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  (727): Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter.. http://tfl.nu/a2wm
  Replies (0) Good night (771) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.

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  (312): Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows. http://tfl.nu/kvi1
  Replies (2) Good night (1585) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.

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  (404): He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer. (404): In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup. http://tfl.nu/9ays
  Replies (16) Good night (358) Bad night (752)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

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  (617): Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present. http://tfl.nu/s10t
  Replies (4) Good night (1441) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla

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  (615): Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla http://tfl.nu/8j5u
  Replies (3) Good night (236) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I come from her. Holy hell.

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  (404): After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now" (404): I come from her. Holy hell. http://tfl.nu/sgm7
  Replies (13) Good night (2920) Bad night (350)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.

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  (520): She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup. http://tfl.nu/0yof
  Replies (2) Good night (574) Bad night (231) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.

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  (510): This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him. http://tfl.nu/bezf
  Replies (18) Good night (1598) Bad night (264) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.

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  (202): He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot. http://tfl.nu/ubxb
  Replies (3) Good night (346) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.

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  (707): because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie. http://tfl.nu/erv7
  Replies (1) Good night (518) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.

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  (847): I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying. http://tfl.nu/v59j
  Replies (4) Good night (1129) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.

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  (732): I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist. http://tfl.nu/ae21
  Replies (5) Good night (334) Bad night (1220) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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  (410): We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off. http://tfl.nu/hhrd
  Replies (26) Good night (4064) Bad night (410)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore

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  (502): Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore http://tfl.nu/xuyl
  Replies (9) Good night (1109) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!

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  (404): It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff! http://tfl.nu/0n5x
  Replies (5) Good night (694) Bad night (238)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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  (304): Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd. http://tfl.nu/1o4y
  Replies (18) Good night (2435) Bad night (309)
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  (310): View more from California

  Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.

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  (310): Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested. http://tfl.nu/eqfs
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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  (970): I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/dlw8
  Replies (5) Good night (2245) Bad night (336)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

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  (215): Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro. http://tfl.nu/nta7
  Replies (11) Good night (1738) Bad night (277) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
  Replies (42) Good night (9265) Bad night (1299)
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  (925): View more from California

  Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.

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  (925): Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this. http://tfl.nu/xd0j
  Replies (5) Good night (1707) Bad night (331)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.

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  (850): I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail. http://tfl.nu/etfk
  Replies (4) Good night (464) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.

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  (573): I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner. http://tfl.nu/bcl8
  Replies (5) Good night (1236) Bad night (309)
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  (310): View more from California

  i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20

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  (310): i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20 http://tfl.nu/ve2e
  Replies (4) Good night (744) Bad night (268) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.

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  (330): Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving. http://tfl.nu/wsf8
  Replies (2) Good night (787) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

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  (206): I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/0ln2
  Replies (7) Good night (2404) Bad night (275)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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  (425): I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?" http://tfl.nu/i35w
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

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  (207): I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron. http://tfl.nu/90fl
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  (619): View more from California

  It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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  (619): It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception. http://tfl.nu/8si3
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.

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  (501): Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag. http://tfl.nu/w2wq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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  (973): I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league http://tfl.nu/mvb2
  Replies (2) Good night (1135) Bad night (222)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

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  (713): Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help. http://tfl.nu/jai4
  Replies (13) Good night (1681) Bad night (280)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS

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  (647): YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS http://tfl.nu/r5xh
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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  (508): I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals. http://tfl.nu/elpv
  Replies (3) Good night (2639) Bad night (594)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

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  (513): Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives. http://tfl.nu/voqg
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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  (727): i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats. http://tfl.nu/tu2s
  Replies (17) Good night (4495) Bad night (1495) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now

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  (917): idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now http://tfl.nu/ruxc
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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  (240): Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic. http://tfl.nu/gchg
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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  (772): Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. http://tfl.nu/4fru
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  how did operation slutty penguin go?

  (619): View more from California

  pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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  (303): how did operation slutty penguin go? (619): pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter http://tfl.nu/uigh
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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  (406): I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before! http://tfl.nu/id35
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

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  (602): I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College. http://tfl.nu/47ac
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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  (708): That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device http://tfl.nu/adi5
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.

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  (307): Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf. http://tfl.nu/cifg
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude, they all thought you were gay.

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  (412): Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls (724): Dude, they all thought you were gay. http://tfl.nu/k7ip
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  (845): View more from New York

  lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you

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  (845): lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you http://tfl.nu/altf
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  (310): View more from California

  may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...

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  (310): may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy... http://tfl.nu/t47h
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  (716): View more from New York

  You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will

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  (716): You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will http://tfl.nu/h8xm
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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  (219): Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel. http://tfl.nu/qebb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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  (513): I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know..... http://tfl.nu/0xlu
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

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  (919): I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career. http://tfl.nu/kw3u
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

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  (816): He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship. http://tfl.nu/hu0s
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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  (801): I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole. http://tfl.nu/xl47
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle

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  (513): It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle http://tfl.nu/f7n7
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.

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  (513): She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/kcuq
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.

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  (407): You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck. http://tfl.nu/hypr
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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  (859): The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow http://tfl.nu/bjeb
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding

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  (613): Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding http://tfl.nu/o6yr
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.

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  (613): I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's. http://tfl.nu/yr3w
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I want to stick my p in your. b.

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  (613): I want to stick my p in your. b. http://tfl.nu/0x6h
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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  (613): I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after http://tfl.nu/kbgy
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?

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  (613): have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics? http://tfl.nu/lk3z
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember

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  (630): I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember http://tfl.nu/77e3
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...

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  (505): I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory... http://tfl.nu/vjel
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You live a charmed life.

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  (848): Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left. (732): You live a charmed life. http://tfl.nu/9usd
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Olive Garden will never be the same.

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  (803): She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH" (864): Olive Garden will never be the same. http://tfl.nu/o2p7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.

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  (407): While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead. http://tfl.nu/hup2
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.

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  (720): Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress. http://tfl.nu/3c0t
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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  (479): Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine. http://tfl.nu/rrcc
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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  (613): You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one http://tfl.nu/l60l
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

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  (613): You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you. http://tfl.nu/xki1
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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  (613): You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast". http://tfl.nu/iqmw
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.

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  (512): We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again. http://tfl.nu/4ffb
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'

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  (613): It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed' http://tfl.nu/zbjr
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  (831): View more from California

  She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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  (831): She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock" http://tfl.nu/hp1z
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"

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  (406): She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle" http://tfl.nu/6pb6
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"

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  (215): You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance" http://tfl.nu/4bfe
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!

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  (701): He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time! http://tfl.nu/6xbr
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking

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  (850): Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking http://tfl.nu/6x7l
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever

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  (412): There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever http://tfl.nu/r55b
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.

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  (404): So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care. http://tfl.nu/6j38
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?

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  (613): Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like? http://tfl.nu/rl24
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  (310): View more from California

  That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch

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  (310): That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch http://tfl.nu/7p4s
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