The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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