When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wat do u mean how?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."