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Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
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