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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He felt like a one man threesome
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
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