Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me