Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.