Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My cat gives me a boner
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I puked a lego.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.