Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I need a burrito and a hug.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog