Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"