Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...