You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.