They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved