while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dignity is for republicans.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.