how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My liver just broke up with me...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he fucked my hip out of place.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I told you penises don't tan
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
hahahahaha turkey breast
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.