I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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