Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dating After Heartbreak
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.