Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
